How to Find a Daily Practice That Fits You
One of the most effective ways to counter feelings of apathy, burnout, and disconnection is through actively engaging with inner work practices.
These might include starting a daily meditation practice, beginning weekly yoga or mindfulness practices, elaborate self-care rituals, daily walks in the woods, intentional conversations with a therapist or close friend, or any number of self-reflection exercises. There is an abundance of inner work practices to create for oneself – and yet most of us aren’t engaging any in our day-to-day lives.
Instead, we’re just producing, consuming, protesting, and pushing ourselves into exhaustion.
At the beginning of our most recent inner work cohort, I asked participants what barriers they felt they faced when committing to a daily practice. Here are some of their responses:
“Finding the balance of a practice that feels natural and not prescribed.”
“Making it a priority over the daily demands and distractions of my life.”
“Considering others of greater priority than my own care and needs.”
“I get excited about it and then lose interest…or it all feels arbitrary.”
“It's hard to come back and connect with my ‘why’.”
“Discipline.” “Time.” “Scheduling.”
Are any of these familiar to you? I know I’ve resonated with most of these in different seasons of my life.
Here’s the thing: these are natural responses to what we’ve been told a daily practice has to be.
But the images of inner work practices we’ve been given aren’t the only ways to engage our inner work. When I look at the above responses, I see several messages that have pervaded our understanding of inner work practice:
1. We have to commit to a specific practice – forever.
The truth is: this is impossible and deeply unhealthy.
Each of us lives in a traumatized and traumatizing world. Because of this, it is inevitable that we will go through seasons – if not daily experiences – of exhaustion and overwhelm. Survival is a taxing experience, after all, even for the most stable person living in such a context. And when this happens, it can be easy – if not equally inevitable – to skip our daily practice.
But if we believe we have to commit to a specific practice, at a specific time, in a specific place (forever), this can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and inner narratives like “why can’t I be better,” “I need to try harder,” or even “what’s the point anyway?”
Or, perhaps even worse, it can lead to us battling through the stop signs and sticking to a practice that doesn’t feel good because we feel we “have to.”
This approach to inner work – “brute forcing your way to enlightenment” – entirely ignores the reality of being human in a shifting, changing world. It emphasizes certainty and conformity over the curiosity and flexibility needed to become in touch with our full sense of aliveness.
2. Practices must be add-ons to our daily life.
Many of us like to engage daily practices at specific times of day.
We sit for our meditation at the same time, in the same place, and for the same duration every morning. Or we get home from work, get our doggos their dinner, and head out for our daily walk.
In other words, we set aside intentional time for our practice.
As wonderful as this can be, it can also lead to a perceived differentiation between our “practice” and our “living life.” And, similar to committing to an inflexible practice, it can set us up for failure when our schedules get busy, crises emerge, and life happens.
Instead of finding an inner work practice that fits the shape of our life and needs, we can get busy surviving and end up blaming our “discipline” and “time management” for letting our practice go.
3. Practices are about us.
This is a big one.
We are all held within a context – our family, friends, schools, faith organizations, neighborhoods, cities, and so on. No matter who we are or where we are, this context shapes us just as we shape it. This is always how interconnectedness works.
Our families shape us and we shape them.
Our schools shape us and we shape them.
Our workplaces shape us and we shape them.
When we engage in inner work as primarily egocentric or narcissistic self-care or personal growth, we ignore our placement within and responsibility to our various communities. And, at the same time, we stunt our capacity for deep connection with others and limit the depths that our inner work can take us.
So…how do we engage in inner work practices that are sustainable, relevant to our lives, and that help us experience deeper levels of connection?
To begin with: we set aside any image of a “one-size-fits-all” practice.
Just as there are different seasons in our lives, there are different practices for our seasons. What feels connective at one point in our life will feel entirely distant to us in another. What our body enjoys at one point will feel “icky",” “forced,” or be filled with uncomfortable wiggles at another.
And more than that, we never have just one practice. James Finley, a former monk and psychotherapist writes that we have a “constellation of practices” at any given moment. From hour to hour, day to day, different movements in our lives bring us into experiences of depth and presence. Therefore, it isn’t helpful to claim one specific version of a practice as “my one and only practice” – instead, we might have a core practice, as well as several others.
We might think of this as having a fidelity to practice, not a fidelity to a specific practice.
For example, my core practice might be taking 30 minutes to read and journal each morning. But if my kiddos wake up early or my partner needs help with something and I’m unable to get to it, I don’t need to beat myself up for “missing my practice.” Instead, I might take a midday walk through the local park, practicing seeing with “soft eyes” the world unfolding around me. Both of these practices bring me into an experience of presence and connection – and that’s what matters.
In order to hold lightly to a practice that is sustainable, relevant to our lives, and connective in an authentic way, we are invited into a broader and more flexible understanding of “practice:” whatever expands our capacity for awareness, presence, and connection is a practice.
That means a practice doesn’t need to be an “add on” to our already-busy lives – we can engage such a practice right in the midst of the beauty, the muck, and all the daily tasks and to-do lists.
In 2020, Casper ter Kuile released a wonderful book titled The Power of Ritual. In it, he shares these kinds of practices have three common traits:
Intention: Recognizing what we are inviting into this moment
Attention: Being present in this moment
Repetition: Creating space to come back to this time and time again
Do you wash dishes each day in an intentional, focused, and mindful way? That might be a practice.
Do you walk your kids to the bus stop, listening to them intently and being fully present to the moment? That might be a practice.
Do you fold and put away laundry each week with a posture of calm, attentive centeredness? Even that might be a practice!
In addition to the ones we usually think of (meditation, breathwork, daily walking, journaling, visualization, yoga, etc.), this opens us to experiencing almost everything in our life as a practice. Imagine if we could do that…and how much communal and societal healing would occur.
So, that’s the jist – finding a healthy practice (and set of practices) isn’t about forcing intentionality into one’s life.
It’s about embodying a practice – an action that expands our capacity for awareness, presence, and connection – that fits our lifestyle, our body’s needs, who we are, who we are becoming, and helps us to move with a posture of healing in our communities.
Here are five steps to building a daily practice that fits:
✍️ A Quick Tip:
As with almost everything, the value here is not actually here in the steps – it’s what’s already inside you.
Read each step and work with the questions. Journal about them, walk with them, forget about them, and then come back to them. Have coffee and tea and chocolate.
Practice being aware of what is feeling connective and emerging from within you.
1. Take a moment to listen and discern.
What are your core values?
Take some time and identify 2-3 of your core values. Come back to this often as a way to ensure your practice aligns with your values.
→ For example, if one of your core values is accountability, you might consider a practice that involves someone else in some capacity.
→ Here is a resource that can help with this.
Name a couple things your body wants more or less of.
This is one of the best exercises you can do. (And it’s simple!) By starting with our bodies, we’re making sure we find a practice that feels good and is therefore more likely to be sustained. If your body has a ton of excess energy and gets wiggly during meditations, try a daily walk or stretching or yoga instead! Your body can point you toward what will feel most connective.
In your journal or on your phone, jot down your responses to the following prompts:
My body wants more…
My body wants less…
How are you connecting?
On a piece of paper, draw four quadrants and label them:
Self
Others
Nature
Transcendent
In each quadrant, write the things you’re doing to feel connected. Then, write down the things that make you feel disconnected in each area. After you finish, notice the following:
In which of these areas do you feel the most connected/least connected?
In which of these areas do you want to be more connected?
Pause and reflect.
Take a moment and reflect on #1-3 above. Go for a walk or roll and think about:
In which area would you most like to experience a greater depth of connection?
What is a practice – one that might feel good to your body – that could support that?
Brainstorm a practice that:
Might feel good for your body and lifestyle.
Connects you with one of those four areas.
Is filled with intention, attention, repetition.
→ Examples: meditation in the morning, journaling, a daily walk around the block, mindful dishwashing or silence after dinner, taking a mindful bath after the kids go to sleep. More examples can be found here.
Things to consider as you brainstorm:
When and how often is needed to engage this practice?
Alone or in community?
How much time do you need?
Where is it happening?
How might it include your body?
What would feel connective?
2. Name it.
There is no need to make this a big deal – but it’s important to name the practice out loud to someone. There’s something about telling someone “I’m going to try a thing” that makes it more real for us. Not only that, but it reminds us that our practice isn’t about us. We practice so that we can move in and through our communities in more healing ways.
That said, I recommend not posting this on social media. Instead, find 1-5 trusted folks in your life and let them know:
“I’m going to try _______.”
Notice the word “try.” This is not a forever commitment; this is an experiment.
3. Identify your supports.
Engaging a new practice is hard in a world of distractions and to-do lists. It’s important to set up our context so that we’re as supported as we can be.
With that in mind, take some time and think about what tools or aids you will need in order for this to feel good and sustainable.
These might include things like:
Timer
Journal
Good book
Clean environment
Accountability partner
Scheduled events in calendar
Intention object (like a small stone)
What other supports will you need? Prepare to practice by getting these supports ready beforehand.
4. Practice and tinker.
Set some times in the next week and begin your practice.
But remember: this is all an experiment. Hold your practice lightly and see how it feels and fits. Here are some of my go-to tips for folks just beginning a new practice:
If you try it and it feels BAD: drop it and engage a different practice. There is no point in subjecting yourself to a bad feeling practice more than once. It feels bad for a reason. Listen to your body for why it feels bad and then identify a practice that might feel better.
If you try it and it feels MEH: give it 2-3 more tries. In general, I like the rule of three when it comes to new practices. Sometimes, it just takes a couple go’s. After each time engaging the practice, listen inwardly with intention: what is your body liking about this practice? What is not feeling fulfilling? What is opening in you? Then, tinker with the practice until it feels and fits better.
5. Notice your capacity.
This is a vital step. Our inner work practices aren’t about “doing the practice.” They’re about helping us to build our capacity for more awareness, aliveness, and connection. Therefore, it’s important we regularly check in with our capacity and notice when new things are occurring and old things are shifting in our lives.
Use the following questions often to process how your practice is impacting your life:
What energy is this practice opening in you?
How is this practice supporting you in community?
What are you becoming aware of that you weren’t before?
How does it feel in your body? Good, bad?
How does it feel in general: connective, presence?
Note: By reflecting on these questions regularly (monthly or quarterly), you’ll become aware of when your practice is no longer fitting and it’s time to tinker more or shift to a different one that will fit you better in the new season.
If engaging a daily practice sounds like something you’d like to do, check out our upcoming 30-day inner work cohort.
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