3 Principles for Mindful Communication in the Midst of Change

How do we communicate clearly with others when our own internal world is shifting?

Whether we chalk these inner changes up to the normal transitions of midlife or connect them to more abrasive events and happenings, it can feel a bit like the ground is moving under our feet. And in the midst of it, we still have relationships – with friends, partners, colleagues, family, community members – and daily interactions to navigate.

In his book Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication, Buddhist teacher Oren Jay Sofer offers three core principles for mindful communication that can guide us.

1. Effective communication requires presence.

Framing all relationships and interactions is the quality of the participants’ presence. What is the state of our central nervous system – are we feeling settled, frantic, defensive, or something else? Are we truly attuned to the person in front of us or are we blowing them off? Are we aware of the in-the-moment choices we’re making or are we on autopilot? How are we honoring – or dishonoring – the autonomy of the other?

Here is a practice for becoming more present in our conversations:

Before entering a conversation, whether it will be difficult or not, take a few moments to check-in with and settle your body’s central nervous system.

A quick way to do this is with these three steps:

1. Take 2-3 big, deep breaths, releasing tension in your shoulders, back, and chest on each exhale.

2. Raise your arms slowly up above your head until you feel a slight stretch; then slowly back down.

3. Place your attention on something in front of you and practice softening your gaze; spend 30 seconds or so taking deep breaths and looking around your space with soft eyes.

And here are some conversational phrases to try:

• “Would you be willing to take some time to have a conversation with me about…?” (Setting aside time so everyone can be present to the conversation)

• “Can we pause for a moment? I need to collect my thoughts/settle my body.” (Being present to our own inner needs – so we can be present to the conversation)

2. Intention determines direction.

Often times, we enter into conversations and interactions with a desire to get what we want. This inevitably sets our direction toward seeking a transaction, engaging in coercion, and weaponizing words and actions for the purpose of dehumanization.

Instead, mindful communication invites us to set an intention that ensures we’re coming from a space of curiosity and care.

Here is a practice to help us remain connected to our intention:

Before entering a conversation, check in with yourself using the following questions:

1. How do I want to approach this conversation?

2. How can we start to understand each other?

3. What might work for both of us?

4. What is important to me?

5. What matters to them?

And here are some mid-conversation phrases to to help:

• “What would be most helpful for me is…” (Naming our intention and needs clearly)

• “That didn’t come out quite right. Can I try that again?” (Returning to our intention)

3. Attention shapes experience.

In conversation, just as in all settings, what we offer our attention to determines what we experience.

When we ignore injustice and focus only on our own desires, we get to experience the false security of an imagined world (for a time). When we focus on the faults of another, we get to preserve our own sense of innocence. But when we get clear about what matters and center our attention on that, we can find new ways to resolve conflicts, solve problems, and see the world in a deep way.

From Oren Jay Sofer:

“Leading with presence makes everything possible; coming from curiosity and care points us in the right direction and guides the conversation. The third step, focusing on what matters, determines where we actually go.”

Here is a practice from Say What You Mean to help us focus our attention on what matters:

1. Ground yourself in presence and the intention to understand. Find some genuine curiosity and care.

2. As you listen, focus your attention on what they might need. You might ask yourself silently: “What matters here? What’s most important to them about this?”

3. At times, practice completing a cycle of communication by reflecting before you respond. Inquire in a natural way, “Is this what matters to you?” Remember, the intention of this question is to check that you understand rather than to analyze or tell them what they feel.

And here are some phrases to to help:

• “Can you tell me more about that?” (Placing attention on what matters)

• “This is really important for me. Would you be willing to tell me what you’re hearing?” (Ensuring understanding of what matters)

📝 Questions:

1. Which relationships in your life would likely benefit most from you becoming more present, intentional, and attentive to them? If one in particular comes to mind: what futures might become possible if you engaged with them in this way?

2. What are your most common stumbling blocks to this kind of posture and approach to communicating? How might you move through one of these stumbling blocks this week?

🧰 Learn More:

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