How to Identify and Work With Your Conditioned Tendencies
Every one of us has a unique set of “conditioned tendencies.”
Most often developed when we’re young, these are the various ways we’ve learned to survive in the world. They include behaviors such as how we move toward and away from conflict, inner narratives we tend to spin to interpret events, the ways we engage with criticism, our trauma responses, and what our default responses are when under stress or duress. They are the various tendencies we’ve learned to embody in order to move us toward safety, belonging, and dignity in often less-than-ideal circumstances.
The problem is: sometimes our CTs outlast their initial purpose.
For example when I was in middle school, I learned to acquiesce to the needs and desires of others in order to fit in. With my goth friends, I would force myself to embody a low-energy, care-about-nothing identity to feel like I belonged. With my sports friends, I was entirely different, running around and playing hard. And by the time I got to high school, I found myself altering the way I laughed and even the rhythm of how I spoke to mirror those around me.
I remember a moment in 11th grade when I sat down on the edge of my bed at home, confused by how shallow so many of my relationships were, and had the thought: “I’ve just become a chameleon.”
Taking on varying context-specific personas and behaviors had become one of my “moves” – one of my CTs – useful at times in affirming my sense of belonging and safety, but ultimately not helpful in my becoming the person I truly wanted to be.
Below is a short list of common CTs, including physiological responses we might better recognize in ourselves.
I invite you to consider your own unique CTs and how they might impact the ways you move within your communities. As you do, please hold yourself and your story with gentleness, remembering these initially tend to develop within us as a way of moving us toward safety, belonging, and dignity:
Conflict avoidance (tightness in the chest or throat, feeling like you “can’t” speak)
Seeking external validation (increased muscle tension, especially in shoulders or jaw)
Overworking or proving worth through productivity (difficulty relaxing, jaw clenching)
Minimizing needs (numbness or dissociation from the body, feeling disconnected)
Deflecting compliments or praise (averting eye contact, desire to escape attention)
Taking responsibility for others’ emotions (tight chest or shoulders when sensing someone else’s discomfort)
Always anticipating worst-case scenarios (difficulty taking deep breaths, feeling “on edge” or hypervigilant)
What can we do with this?
Notice your CTs in action – Pay attention to the “moves” you make under stress or duress. How do you attempt to connect with safety, belonging, and/or dignity in such circumstances? No need to judge – just observe.
Ask: is this still serving me? – Some conditioned tendencies may still be useful, while others might be outdated and be less helpful for the current season of life.
Experiment with small shifts – If you tend to people-please, try pausing before saying “yes.” If you over-explain, kindly challenge yourself to say less. If you have a pattern of avoiding conflict, try hanging in there a little longer (when safe to do so.) See how it feels and what doors of possibility it opens.
