Overcoming "the freeze" to take your next steps
Over the past two years writing this email and receiving your replies each week, I’ve noticed a trend:
Many of us struggle with freezing in the midst of conflict.
You’re probably familiar with the well-known threat responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. They serve as a sort of “when stressed, pull handle” set of emergency tools for us to use in moments of perceived danger (physical and otherwise.)
But for those of us who have a tendency to freeze at inopportune times, whether it’s at work with a boss or when we see something bad happening but can’t seem to move into action, I wanted to share a 3-step process I’ve used to find my way forward.
(For today, I’m not talking about the act of freezing in the midst of a dangerous traumatic event, but rather in the midst of everyday conflicts and discomforts.)
1. Texture the Fear + Freeze
The first step is almost always to get clear on what we’re experiencing in the moment. I like to do this by checking in with myself using questions like:
What does this feel like in my body?
What am I afraid of right now?
What’s underneath my fear?
What is the function of my freeze and/or fear? (What is it attempting to do for me?)
As an additional exercise, I often ask myself: “What’s the worst case scenario? Is that likely?” It can be helpful for me to see the whole array of possibilities, pay attention to my body’s response to them, and then consider the likelihood of each.
🧰 Resource: The Centering Practice
I love this practice because it was designed to do while in the midst of conflict or stress. For me, that often means while navigating a kiddo meltdown or while reading political news. For example, I just led this with a group of folks on Sunday as we processed the realities of Donald Trump's inauguration and presidency.
2. Consider the Context
In the moment or after, orient to the physical, historical, social, and emotional context of the situation. Recenter on your sense of dignity and ask:
What does my gut want to say/do in this moment?
What are the power dynamics at play here?
What assets or strengths are present?
Who has already experienced this?
What emotions are activated?
What are the stakes?
🧰 Resource: Peel the Fruit (activity)
When I’ve tried to understand the context of a stressful situation, I’ve often “mapped” the context. This is one of my favorite exercises for visualizing a conflict.
3. Prepare for Next Time
This is a big one.
If I know this conflict or experience is likely to come up again, I create some time and space to do the following:
Visualize what it might look, feel, and sound like in the future
Imagine holding the “charge” of the future moment (if safe)
Consider the meaning and importance of it for me
Ask myself what the best/worst case scenario is
Identify actions and behaviors I want to engage
Identify 1-2 actions to help me prepare now
🧰 Resource: “How to Notice When You’re Bypassing or Overriding Your Body’s Genius,” by Resmaa Menakem
One of the most powerful ways I've found to prepare for discomfort or support me in staying in when it's more comfortable to get out is to practice "tempering" my body beforehand. Resmaa Menakem offers a couple practices/examples in this article.
