Guidelines for Deep Community
In January of 2020, I had the great honor of speaking at the UMC LEAD 2020 Conference, a gathering of young leaders within and around the United Methodist Church. My talk was titled What’s Your Story? and was centered on the importance of creating community spaces where people’s voices and stories are honored and valued. While my audience that day was largely active in their various church communities, the content of what I said stretches far beyond the Church. In fact, much of my discomfort with organized Christianity comes from churches and faith leaders not embracing these kind of practices and values in their communities.
At its core, I lay out the following four guidelines for creating healthy and deep community space:
Focus on small groups. Create spaces where 5-8 people can gather together and truly get to know one another. In Asset Based Community Development, there is a phrase: the small group is the unit of transformation. This is so true! We need to welcome and embrace small gatherings as the primary vehicle for inner change.
Set intentions. From the very beginning of a gathering, let your intentions speak your values. Create a healthy container in which vulnerability as well as celebration can take place. Many of the powerful small group spaces I’ve been in have used a variation of the following intentions:
Speak from the Heart: get out of your head and say what you feel. Avoid big generalizations, get in touch with your emotions and lean into them.
Listen from the Heart: get curious about each other. We are not here to fix, save, correct, or advise each other.
Say Just Enough: this is often the hardest one. Say what is yours to say, nothing more and nothing less. Big stories are often unwieldy when not thought out - instead, share the core of your story, as it’s coming up right now.
Be spontaneous: avoid reciting what you’ll say ahead of time (see Listen from the Heart). Speak what’s coming up for you in the right here, right now.
Embrace silence. In small group spaces where vulnerability is encouraged and true companionship is empowered, silence is key. Silence allows each of us time to process, to feel, to being connected internally with our True Self.
Ask experiential questions. In order to get deep with each other, use a method of questioning that allows for storytelling. Ask questions that begin with, “When is a time in your life when…?” or “How does your body feel when…?” Invite people into their own investigating of their lives.
Examples:
What crossroads are you facing in your life right now?
Where are you experiencing joy in your life?
How are you experiencing struggle?
What stories were you told in your childhood that are holding you back from who you want to become?
In all of the story-centered spaces I’ve had the privilege of being in, this is the core of it: asking a question and providing space for the people around the circle or dinner table to process and share what’s alive for them. This is where the work is done and where the practices of listening, vulnerability, and affirmation are engaged.
Watch the entire talk here.
